First, i wanted to be very clear about something. Last week, when i was saying i wanted partnership in my life, I was speaking in general terms. I have a partner in my life and I hope we remain together for a very very long time. I was making the point, that, we all want partnership, it just doesn’t necessarily have to mean monogamy. My apologies if i offended anyone.
This past week’s blog got more than 50 unique hits in one day, and one of the most viewed blog updates to date. That’s not including all of you whom belong to the subscribe email below (which i still can’t figure out) or the google group for this site. It was a huge week for the blog. Many people have voiced their feelings with me offline and i appreciate each and every one of them. You don’t have to agree with me, obviously, I’m here to make people think…preferably outside the box. I believe that’s where true greatness and success lie…outside the box. Richard Branson didn’t get to where he is today by being normal, nor did Rupert Murdoch stay between the lines, right? Greatness, brilliance, and success are achieved from an indestructible commitment to doing and being your best at every moment, even if that means coloring outside the lines for a bit. We have the power and wherewithal to do anything we want in this life. Take more chances. Open your mind just a little bit more…and inspire people to think, be, and do better. Sorry, i digress.
Stepping Out. My definition of stepping outside of a relationship is most likely different than what you might have in your mind right now. My definition completely respects and honors the relationship. It demands a high level of maturity, security, and trust. It is incredibly challenging to achieve this level of confidence and it borders on unconditional love. Stepping outside of a relationship means having sex with people outside of the relationship with permission. What does that mean? It means that I can from time to time, (i’m not saying this is a daily, weekly, or even monthly occurrence) ask my partner for his permission, so that I can get my groove on with some little hottie down the street, or some little hottie that i met at the gym, etc… If he says no, then i don’t go! If he says yes, then it’s on. Think about it. It’s safe for the heart. It’s respectful and honors the relationship and partnership. Sometimes a little jealousy is healthy in a relationship, although many therapists might disagree with this particular practice. It keeps things fresh, exciting, and alive.
Cheating. Whereas the above definition of stepping out might be different than yours, i can guarantee you that my definition of Cheating is the same. It completely disrespects and dishonors the relationship. Cheating is probably never a good idea. It always creates a fortitude of heavy emotions and it is messy. Cheating requires little thought and little action. I define cheating is having sex with one individual or more, outside the relationship, without permission, respect, or honor. Most of you are probably thinking for a guy who believes in “Stepping Out,” how can I be so against Cheating? I believe there are healthy ways to be non-monogamous and I believe there are destructive and potentially dangerous ways of being non-monogamous. For a relationship/partnership to work, in my humble opinion, it requires trusting communication, incredible honesty, 100% acceptance, patience, and a LOT of LOVE. Cheating pretty much breaks all of those beautiful words and ruins them. I must interject one small item here.
When someone cheats, it is usually a very telling and provocative expression of what’s going on inside their head, right? It might not mean THE END of a relationship. Like hitting someone. Now, that’s a deal breaker, for me. I have a 0% tolerancy policy for hitting of any kind. Cheating is not entirely black or white…other than it is always a poor choice and one should definitely communicate and be honest with your partner prior to going down this road.
On a side note. I’ve been cheated on in a relationship and it hurts. I have also been the one who cheats…and that sucks too! I believe we all know what this feels like…and because of that, we must always do our best to make people feel wanted and respected as opposed to so shitty, for lack of a better or more descriptive tone.
The Honest Combo. I believe there does exist a combination of the afore-mentioned practices. If “Stepping Out” stretched you a little, then this one might blow your mind. Make sure you’re sitting. (Most of you probably are anyway!) There are those occasions where a combo might occur. For example, if you are more than 500+ miles away, and you are generously propositioned by some hot girl/guy at the hotel or gym, and you just can’t get to the phone to text for permission. Sometimes these things just happen. A quick blow job. A fast fuck in a stall. In my mind, they don’t really mean much. It’s not an affair. There was little time to think and/or process the repercussions. Now, i’m not saying this works for all relationships. This Honest Combo needs to be discussed at length and handled before a situation like this arises. I think, if mutually agreed upon, situations like these could be intimate sexual material for your own bedroom. See! I told you i might blow your mind. Opinions?
How I think it works.
Why didn’t anyone tell me that relationships had so many unforeseen facets to them. My parents made it look and seem so easy. Ugh! I am definitely blessed and fortunate enough to be able to say that, right? They set an amazing foundation for me to see, witness, and experience first hand the incredible and special relationship that can be. For me, unfortunately, and, for many people in my generation and below, most likely we will not have the same opportunities. It’s so hard nowadays to be partners with anyone, right?
To each their own is the point I really want to get across to you. Until you have walked 10 miles in someone else’s shoes, you cannot even begin to comprehend their life and their choices. In fact, you will never understand other people’s relationships. Are they in love? How are they happy? Does that really work for them? Who the fuck am I to judge anyone else for their “crazy” and “unique” relationships. Sometimes i feel like i’m barely holding onto mine, you know! I’m saying that we, as humans, have no idea what goes on in the minds of others, therefore, we must not judge anyone for their relationship/partnerships choices. In fact, why judge anyone at all?
Next week…I will give my thoughts on Open Relationships and more… Ugh. Those are challenging and nearly impossible, in my mind. They can be so complex and filled with so much “stuff” in them. We’ll get into that next week! That way, i can really delve into my old feelings. Great! I can’t wait!
MY FINAL THOUGHTS:
1) Life is too short to be taken so seriously — Oscar Wilde (of course, leave it to a gay man to say something so profound)
2) I found an amazing editor for my first book, “How I Learned To Smile From The Inside”. She is unbelievable and I cannot wait to start working with her.
3) I am going to set my new date for the completion and open selling of my book, September 25, 2012, which also happens to be my birthday. I hope you will join me in doing a crazy countdown. At that point, i will really need your help and support as i want to sell as many copies as possible.
4) To each their own. Who are we to judge anyone else’s relationships? That’s right, we have no right.
5) Oh and in case you were wondering… this weekend is the 2nd annual Goatalympics! (www.goatalympics.org) I so wish i could go!!!
5) Keep smiling everyone…and if you aren’t…inspire someone else to smile first…See if that works!