We’ve spoken about stepping out. We’ve spoken about cheating. Now, we are going to speak about having OPEN relationships. For most of us, the concept of an open relationship is doing anything you want with anyone you want during a relationship. Hmmm. That’s not exactly how it works. There are as many diverse and robust combinations for an open relationship as there are rules and limitations within one. For an open relationship to function well, there have to be boundaries, communication, and respect. I’ve known couples that have a don’t ask don’t tell policy. I’ve known partners that have threeways and fourways together (which i suppose is technically an orgy, right?) all the time, yet are NOT allowed to have one-offs! I’ve even known gay boys with beloved partners that are allowed to have sex with anyone (when the other is traveling) as long as they are home by the end of the night. If these ideas sound crazy to you, then it probably means you are not built for open relationships. If it sounds awesome to you, then you are most likely gay or really really open and secure. lol.
From personal experience, open relationships are challenging. I’ll get into my own terrific tale in a moment, but I would like to say that, once again, it boils down to the two individuals inside the relationship. I took a great deal of criticism for the past two weeks’ blog entries. Many have suggested that being able to step out and/or have quick fucks are for the weak, that i just haven’t found the right person yet, or that my notions are just a perpetuation of the gay stereotype of, what i call, whoredom. For some men out there in the gay world, I would have to agree that your opinions might be applicable. However, I want to reiterate to everyone that it takes a great deal of maturity, honesty, and mutual respect to even begin
a conversation about non-monogamy. It takes a high level of security and complete confidence on oneself. That’s why it’s so damn difficult. I would venture to guess that those “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not worth it” stories we tell ourselves, definitely stand in our way from living that level of freedom. I know they do for me!
Going one step further, i truly believe that partnered relationships striving for unconditional love are definitely the way to go. We all strive to get there, but intimate relationships rarely resemble the aunt-nephew, uncle nephew, grandparents-grandson unconditional relationship. No matter what they do, you will always love them with all of your heart. How many of those types of relationships do you have in you life? Exactly…not many.
I believe that we, as humans, are not supposed to be monogamous. You don’t have to agree with me, just hear me out. We are sexual beings…and if we could all find a way to be in a loving partnership and not be affected emotionally by sex outside the relationship within boundaries, I believe a great deal more people would be participating in threeways and orgies, and/or one-offs in bathrooms. Don’t you agree? It’s okay if you don’t. My job here is to shine a new light. My blog is here to make people think outside of their normal comfort zones and traditionally set ways. I, for one, respect anyone’s decision within their own relationship and their own lives.
Open relationships when done incorrectly, just don’t work out well, like for me. At the ripe old age of 21, i entered into a relationship with an amazing guy. He was four years older, successful, handsome, and we dated for almost four years. I had no idea when i started dating him that it would last quite that long. We were best friends the entire time, until our “open” relationship went awry. For the first two years, we were in complete bliss. We would talk about having threeways every once in a while in the heat of the moment, but were too shy to try. We had a very healthy sex drive with one another and a very honest and committed relationship. Toward the end of our second year, we both got the itch to have a safe threeway. We found some young, hawt boy and proceeded with our plan. It was great! That experience brought us closer and kept the romance and attraction between us extremely high for the next six months. After six months, we did another. And another.
We never discussed boundaries and this was our greatest downfall, except for the “no repeat offenders” rule…which basically meant, we could not have a threeway with someone more than once. In case you are wondering why not? Favorites start happening and exclusions start becoming more obvious. There’s usually one guy that is more attractive to the third party…and it can very easily create friction and the not-so-good kind of jealousy.
In the middle of our third year together, my boyfriend traveled to Brasil on multiple occasions. I knew what went on in Brasil, hell, we even experienced a Brasilian sauna together. That’s a story for another time, for sure! Therefore, I gave him permission to do whatever he wanted while he was down there. It was 6,000 miles away from Manhattan, and he would most likely never see the guy again, right? So, while he was having fun down there, i was having some fun of my own with an extremely attractive bartender back in NYC. My boyfriend had told me I could only have sex with that guy in a threeway as i believe he was intimidated by this bartender. He was and still is pretty hawt. Anyway…i hooked up with him…in our bed… Yes, i made a poor choice. Oops.
Because we had such an open and honest relationship, i told my boyfriend about the incident with the bartender. He was very upset. So much so, in fact, that he advised me that he could now go out and fuck whomever he wanted. This guy (my bf) continuously held that over my head for the following three months. Finally, in an angry fit of retaliation, he went and had revenge sex with the one guy, of course, that months prior i had forbade him not to. Ewwww.
Needless to say, that was the beginning of the end. For several months, after that moment, we started to grow apart and faster than i had ever anticipated. On multiple occasions, I felt mistreated by him and completely disrespected by him again and again. Finally, after one comment he made to me on my birthday, I just decided I had had enough. Two days later, we broke up.
Stay tuned for the incredible Part 2 of this story where months later, in my ex’s eyes, i started to date his boss. It wasn’t really his boss, so that’s not completely accurate, but it definitely was not so smart!
1) My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and families of the Aurora shooting. I truly believe CNN and Anderson Cooper, in particular, is doing some amazing work by omitting the suspect’s name and focusing on the deceased and the heroes from the incident. Kudos!!!
2) I had a great time in Vegas this past weekend as the token gay at a fabulous Bachelorette. We had a great time ladies. I’m still hurting…three days later.
3) My current boyfriend decided that it would be fun to purchase two more chickens. One…to eat. The other, just because he wanted another…without my permission. Fun. Now, we have five chickens. Pics to follow.
4) My editor and I are almost finished with Chapter 1 of my book, “How I Learned to Smile From The Inside.” It is beyond exciting. Will keep you apprised for the big countdown for the publishing date.
5) When was the last time you went out of little out of your way to make someone else’s day? Be honest. I try to do it at least once a day.
Until next time, bitches…
A Smile From the Inside production.