To My Big Fat “Gay” Family (which includes all of y’all):
Firstly today, i wanted to sincerely appreciate all of your support and encouragement I have received over the past 2 months. It means a great deal to me that anytime I see a friend/acquaintance that I haven’t seen for a bit of time, they always comment on my blog. I’m beginning to think that’s because they actually genuinely like my writing and my blog posts!!! Thank you!
As i try to figure out my “Strategy Plan” for Smile From The Inside or rather, my life, I thought i would let you all know about my “First” Coming out Story. Oh yes, each gay in this world comes out WAY more than ONCE…in fact, it’s pretty much every day. (But that’s another topic i intend to write about in the very near future). Stay tuned!!!
As you all know, i knew that i was “unique” when i was about 5 years old. What you probably don’t know is that aside from a few “i’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” and some “body wrestling games” that i would play with the cute boys in the hood, i didn’t really act on my gay-ness until i was about 14 or 15. It all started when i was hiking with Matthew. He and I started discussing the fact that it would be “cool” to be friends with a bi-sexual person, and perhaps even a gay person. This was in rural New Hampshire, which was actually pretty fucking open and liberal, i must say.
FALLING IN LOVE…
From that conversation, it lead to our initial sexual interactions. My first reaction, after an interaction, i wanted to throw up…but nothing would come up. I was literally sick to my stomach the first 4-5 times we fooled around. I’m sure it was socially-induce nausea! My parents (Sorry, Mom & Dad) thought i would get lost from time to time driving through the mountains and woods of EBF (East Butt-Fuck) NH, when I would really be with Matthew. Or when they brought my big sister to College, i would invite him over. Of course, this was 18 years ago…so, i really really hope that my parents let this one slide. Anyway…it was a major time for discovery in my life and i took this one day at a time.
After telling Matthew that I LOVED him, he freaked out…and “broke up” with me. Dork! It took him 5 years to realize that he too was in love with me. I mean, what’s not to love, right? Anyway…after he wouldn’t even speak to me, that’s when the real journey began. That’s when i started telling my best friends and my neighbor, Beth, who finally gave me the confidence to come out to my own parents. Thank you Beth!!! Her support and encouragement were and definitely still are very appreciated. As i sat on the couch convincing my parents that i needed to see a shrink, they told me i couldn’t leave the couch until i tell them what’s wrong. It was a smart move on their part, as they were beyond concerned. I told them that I kissed a boy…and that I thought i was gay. Thus, they became part of my gay-coming out journey. For the next couple of years, i strayed back and forth between girls and boys..and kept telling Mom/Dad to think I was gay…and then, that way, it would be easier for them in the end. They advised me years later, that that was impossible for a parent. Thanks Mom & Dad for being patient. They were truly amazing throughout the process…more details will be in my book, for sure!
So, after a bunch of “conversations” with my friends and telling my parents (btw, i never went to see that shrink), I had to then struggle with what it all meant. It meant my life would be different. I had already dealt with tons of bullying…Ironically, the bullying and insults stopped completely. Once you own it, it was just no fun for those assholes anymore. A quick aside, unfortunately for the 4 guys that teased me in highschool, karma was a real BITCH in those College years. I was the first openly gay person in my school and also in my community. Grown adults would come up to me and congratulate me for my bravery and courage (one of my fave words)…one of them even asked if i would help keep his secret. He was married and had children, my age, and still had not come out. (And Moultonborough peeps, i won’t tell you who it is…just in case you were wondering. Sorry. I gave him my word!)
MY DARKEST MOMENT…
I’m not going to say it was easy, because it wasn’t. Not at all. It was about that time, that i was applying to colleges too. (btw, I graduated highschool in three years). Oh yeah, and I also had taken my SAT I’s and SAT II’s. I remember it was a very warm evening in July, and i was going out with my friend, Amy. She and i went to “Weirs Beach” – for everyone else…it’s the highschool hangout place… where you drive down the road in your car with the windows down, listening to hip/hop music and hope everyone is staring and impressed. This place is usually near the ocean or a lake. Think Ocean Avenue in South Beach meets New England Lakes Region. (Oddly enough, i don’t think we ever really get past junior high or highschool social intricacies, do we?) Anyway…i had just received my results from my SAT Is, which were around 1000. In those days, the most you could get was 1600…so, i failed…BIG TIME. (This is a big moment for me. I never admit my score…EVER — i have to say, i ACED my SAT IIs with scores in the 600s and 700s, but i digress). I was standing at the edge of a dock imagining what it would be like to end my life…just to jump in the lake and drown. It was a very romanticized couple of moments for me…but moments I will never ever forget. I’m sure my friend had NO idea what was going on in my mind. The only thought that kept me from jumping was the fact that I wanted to have KIDS someday…AND there was a young lady named Katie Mann, a penpal/love interest, who LOVED me across the United States and who believed in me 100%. These two thoughts are what kept me alive. Crazy, isn’t it?
This is why the “It Gets Better Project” speaks to all gays, and probably all people. Everyone in their life has thought about suicide at one point or another, and blessed are the ones that have never thought those icky thoughts. It does put hair on your chest. Just as long as it doesn’t put hair on your back. I mean, i don’t mind if you have hair on your back, just GET IT WAXED. Sorry, i digress. Where was i? Oh yes, having thoughts of suicide is just a very natural and very human part of this journey. For me, I am always just so interested in what’s next for me. Isn’t The Best Always Yet To Come??? Niki Harris sings that the absolute best!!! You’re light will be greater than your past. You’re light will be greater than the rest!!!
All Things Are Possible…remember that! Truly, in a manner of speaking, i really do want to take over the world. I want to show the world that no matter what’s going on, no matter what the situation, or even if you have Salmonella (the worst 2 weeks of my entire life…yuck!), it’s never too late to learn to Smile From The Inside Out. We each have the choice at every moment to be a better person, a better listening, a better friend. What you choose to do with every moment makes you who you are.
That’s definitely enough postulating for today. Thanks for listening or reading…or whatever.
P.S. You all know I am obsessed with RuPaul’s Drag Race. It is down to the final three. Please vote!!!
Sharon Needles all the way for me!!!
P.S.S. If you like this blog, tell everyone, even your scary cousins who live in Maine (Hi Hailey and Hannah!!!). If you don’t like this blog, keep you great big trap shut!
P.P.S.S. Stay tuned next week wherein i explore battles with sexual molestations and/or manipulations!!!
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